Backwards stumble
by Loren-Mac
Summary: A fic based on Christmas day. Mainly about Tom.


The snow had long before settled upon the rooftops of the houses, leaving everything in a blanket of white. It was late hours of the night and not a soul was awake apart from, that is, Tom Campbell-Gore.  
  
He found himself longing for her, found his every waking moment thinking of her, and found his nights dreaming of her. The tears had long since been cried; he couldn't even find it inside of him to show his emotions any more. He was empty, almost as empty as the bottle lying beside him.  
  
His heart called out to her, and every inch of him wanted to be beside her, just to hold her in his arms once more. He hadn't expected it to be so hard. The alcohol seeped through his veins as he sat there in the darkness, so many thoughts rushing through his mind. He saw no way out of the endless heartache that he was contained inside. And no way out of the drinking anymore.  
  
He pulled the drink up to his lips and tipped the contents back into his mouth, it was the only constant he had. It was the only thing he had left for consolidation, when he left America he threw away every friend he ever had. He just wanted to pick up the phone and call Anita, but something stopped him, he told himself he didn't because she would tell he had been drinking. It was something more than that, something deeper, something he couldn't quite place.  
  
A winter's day  
  
in a deep and dark December;  
  
I am alone,  
  
Gazing from my window to the streets below  
  
on a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.  
  
I am a rock,  
  
I am an island.  
  
I've built walls,  
  
a fortress deep and mighty,  
  
that none may penetrate.  
  
He sighed and closed his eyes, trying to block Anita out of his mind. Each time he closed his eyes he just saw her standing there smiling at him and each time she smiled, his heart began to bleed. From the comfort of the sofa he began to drift off into fantastical dreams. Maybe. maybe Anita would take him back. It seemed a ridiculous idea, but maybe she would come back to England. Maybe, just maybe, she still loved him. 'Or maybe I'm being stupid' He thought to himself.  
  
If anyone could have brought him back to his senses then it would have been Ed, he had helped him conquer drinking the first time. He had grown to not need friendship since he lost Ed's though; he knew it only led to hurt if you let someone close.  
  
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.  
  
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.  
  
I am a rock,  
  
I am an island.  
  
"Look where you are now Tom," He whispered to himself grinning slightly, "lonely and cold on Christmas Eve.."  
  
He looked down onto the table, as he unscrewed another bottle and drowned his sorrow. On that table sat Anita's address, untouched since he last considered writing to her weeks ago, and beside it a pen and paper. He took the pen between his fingertips and began to write.  
  
Anita, I'm sorry. He started, but he just scribbled it out again, saying he was sorry wasn't going to do anything, so he just left it. He'd have liked to say he was lonely, and was going to have a lonely Christmas without her, but he couldn't find it inside of him to write it.  
  
He found himself wondering just what Christmas would be like with her beside him, with her smile warming him, despite the cold outside. It would be magical, he sighed. If anything, the drinking was not soothing him, but hurting him more, but it was all he could depend on being there, and so he did.  
  
He knew he couldn't go back, going back would mean just hurting himself again, "In life there is no going back," he told himself, his words slurring. Going back would be admitting to her that he had been wrong and that he loved her. He could handle loving her, but they had discovered before that control was essential.. and he had just lost it. He made a vow, when he left Anita, that he would not fall in love again.  
  
Don't talk of love,  
  
but I've heard the words before;  
  
it's sleeping in my memory.  
  
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.  
  
If I never loved I never would have cried.  
  
I am a rock,  
  
I am an island.  
  
He looked across at the clock as he set down another empty bottle, it was almost another day over, another day to battle through. He knew all he would be doing that Christmas was drinking his life away. He felt the tears falling down his cheeks as he thought about it being almost Christmas.  
  
Lifting the phone receiver he wiped away the tears, he couldn't sleep without phoning her.  
  
"Hi, its Anita, sorry. I'm not here at the moment, if you'd like to leave a message, you can. I'll be able to tell what you want anyways!" He smiled at the message; she always liked to have a laugh about things, that's what he loved about her. She was different, and she could always tell what he wanted, and she always gave him what he wanted. He just couldn't do the same. He wanted to... he wanted to give her the world, he had just been so stupid to let her go, he was just too afraid of getting hurt in the end.  
  
"Anita. it's me, I was just going to wish you a happy Christmas, but. you're probably already having one." He said, he wanted to just tell her how much he was missing her, but he couldn't do it for some reason, "Its really weird without you, what I'm trying to say is. never mind. just give me a call some time. I'd love to hear from you." Love was a bit of an understatement; he would have died to hear from her just once more. He put the receiver back on the hook and sighed deeply, he hadn't expected her to be at home, she'd be out enjoying herself.  
  
That's when the tears truly began to fall, when he realised what he had really missed, and he'd let it all on himself. No matter how he looked at it, it was his fault and he'd lost the best thing that had ever happened to him. The tears fell for so long and with such passion that within seconds too many had fallen for him to remember.  
  
~*~  
  
Jess clasped his hand in her own and squeezed it gently; his eyes were firmly shut, as if they'd be shut forever. It hurt her to see him like that, because, when she thought about it, she loved him. She'd never told him, but she did. The tears streamed from her eyes, but they remained unnoticed by her, all she could think of was him.  
  
If someone would have offered to her just then to wake him up for just a second, she would have taken it, and she'd have told him that she loved him. No such offer came her way and she knew she'd just have to wait by his side. She'd have waited a life time, and she knew that as she sat there, she just hoped she wouldn't have to.  
  
"The truth is, Nic, I love you," She sighed, the tears splashing from her eyes, "I. I just want you to wake up, please wake up. I don't want to cry anymore, I just need a reason not to, and you could be that reason. You could be the one to make everything okay again. How does that sound? You always wanted a reason to make me smile. just make me smile again, that's all I ask."  
  
She felt a gentle hand on her shoulder and she turned around to face her father, he tried to smile in a comforting way. But he could not fool himself that things would be okay, and he definitely could not fool her.  
  
"Dad. what's going to happen?" She asked, throwing herself into his arms.  
  
He stroked her hair like he had done when she was younger, when she was his little girl and he could solve everything. But he knew this time he couldn't make things better again, and that hurt him a lot. He looked down upon Nic and choked back tears; it had affected everyone in ways that no one had expected.  
  
"I don't know Honey, I seriously don't know."  
  
~*~  
  
As Tom looked silently over to the clock he took another sip from the bottle that lay almost drained of its liquid beside him. He sighed, it was just two minutes past twelve, but all the same, it was Christmas day. And still he sat alone, dreaming of being out of the cold shell of loneliness around him, and being in her arms.  
  
"Merry Christmas Tom" He whispered, falling back into the chair and closing his eyes gently, he just wanted Christmas to be over.  
  
"Yeah, Merry Christmas Tom." Said a voice behind him that made him jump, it was a surprise, but it was undoubtedly her. His heart started to race and his emotions became so strong, as the tears welled in his eyes. She had come back to him.  
  
"Anita!" He whispered standing up. He had to grab for the table to steady himself, and suddenly he felt so ashamed that he had been drinking. He'd told her he wasn't going to ever again, but without her promises seemed so easy to break.  
  
"You've been drinking," she commented, she smiled and yet he knew she was disappointed, and she had every right to be. He could see in her eyes hurt, but he noticed something more important, her eyes were red and puffy, she'd been crying.  
  
"Just a bit," he joked, trying to lighten the mood, he couldn't help but be happy because she was back.  
  
She picked up one of the empty bottles from the side and surveyed it with hurting eyes. "A few consisting of three or four bottles perhaps, Tom?"  
  
"Perhaps."  
  
Inside it hurt her, she felt so guilty for it, and she couldn't help but feel that she was mainly to blame, if it wasn't for her leaving he'd probably still not be drinking. She shook her head in clear disappointment as she brushed back tears, she didn't know what to say anymore. She felt cheated- cheated because she thought she could trust him, she thought he did it for himself not her. She felt Angry most of all- because he had gone and done that to himself after all of that. She always thought he was so much stronger.  
  
"This isn't a joke Tom." She hissed sternly at him, she didn't know what else to say, there was nothing else to say to him. She thought she could come and everything would be okay again, but she shouldn't have expected so much, or so she figured.  
  
"I know.. I'm sorry Anita." He whispered stroking the side of her face gently but she pushed it away with disgust, she couldn't cope with it all.  
  
She looked at him in a way he had never seen before. she looked at him as if she didn't' have any idea who he was. "What's happened to you?"  
  
He shook his head "I don't know. I've missed you so much."  
  
"It's not going to work this time Tom. it can't work, you know that as much as I do."  
  
The tears rolled down his face, he couldn't hold them back, and he wanted too, he felt he couldn't cry in front of her, but he could not hold them. He felt obliged to be strong when she was around because it made him feel in control again. But, once again he's lost all control and he was spinning fast into letting her see him at such a low point. No one had ever seen him so bad, and maybe it was just the drink that made him the way he was, but he felt she had to see it to know that they had to be together.  
  
She turned away and headed towards the door, she felt so bad about it, but as far as she was concerned, it was the right thing to do.  
  
"Anita wait," he called out, stepping in front of her, "don't go, I need you, I can't do it on my own!"  
  
~*~  
  
Ric put his arm around Jess as they both looked down upon Nic, he felt it his duty as a father to stay with her. He'd never much kept to his duty before and now she really needed him to.  
  
The tears continued to fall, but she didn't feel so alone anymore, all hope hadn't been lost. She had someone with her to share her burden, and it made it easier to deal with somehow.  
  
"Is he gonna be okay?" She asked him again.  
  
For a moment he said nothing, he didn't know what to tell her, "yeah, he's going to be okay, he's a fighter." He stroked the hair from her face gently, "Come on, let's go home."  
  
She squeezed Nic's hand gently before he led her away, she didn't want to leave him, but she knew sitting Virgil by his side would do him no good either.  
  
~*~  
  
Anita pulled Tom close to her, despite the fact what he had done, everyone deserves a second chance.  
  
"Merry Christmas Anita," He whispered as they cuddled up beside the fire.  
  
"Merry Christmas Tom." 


End file.
